But God calls us to love unconditionally. How is this possible?

There are two words for “love” in the original Greek Scriptures. They are closely connected and overlap a great deal. In many cases, both words are found to refer to the same relationship. But since love is at the center of our faith, we should know exactly how the Bible uses the word.

phileo (fil-eh’-o): to be a friend to (fond of [an individual or an object]), i.e. have affection for (denoting personal attachment, as a matter of sentiment or feeling).

agape (ag-ah’-pay):  love, i.e. affection or benevolence — embracing especially the judgment and the deliberate assent of the will as a matter of principle, duty and propriety — the former [phileo] being chiefly of the heart and the latter [agape] of the head.

Phileo, the word for tenderness and affection, is used for the love God the Father has for His Son (John 5:20), the love God the Father has for believers (John 16:27) and for the love people have for each other. It is also the word used when we’re warned not to be too wrapped up in the world (John 12:25).

It is never used for the love believers are to have for God.

Agape is love based on our choice to do the right thing. It is the love we are called on to have for God. And it is the love we are called on to have for others, no matter how unlovable they may be.

Agape love is one of the characteristics that define God. God is love (1 John 4:16). It’s the love the Creator has for His creation. It’s beneficial — it wants the best for those loved. God’s love is unconditional, untainted by impure motives and does not take into account the creation’s worthiness to be loved.

Agape love isn’t idle. Because it wants the best for those loved, the one doing the loving is active. This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins (1 John 4:9-10). Adam’s sin separated us from God, but it didn’t cause God to stop loving us. But because of sin, His love would be costly. It required the ultimate display of love — the death of God’s Son.

As sinners, we were as unlovable as it is possible to be. Romans 5 makes it clear that we were by nature lost in sin, at war with God, and too weak to do anything about it. God calls upon us to love Him and love one another. How is this possible? We love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19). Without Jesus Christ, we would be incapable of agape love.

But not only does God’s love make it possible for us to love, it provides us with the motivation to love. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another (1 John 4:11). We choose to love God and others in response to His love for us.

We need to remember how often we’re unlovable to God and how He chose to actively love us anyway. And then, whether our grandchildren are lovable at the moment or not, we will make the choice to love them anyway.

(Biblesoft’s New Exhaustive Strong’s Numbers and Concordance with Expanded Greek-Hebrew Dictionary. Copyright © 1994, 2003, 2006 Biblesoft, Inc. and International Bible Translators, Inc.)

Her grandfather catches her as soon as she touches the water and together they laugh.  The grandfather places the girl back up on the dock. She asks, “Can I do it again?”

The girl is not afraid.  She has faith in her grandfather.  Her faith is strong enough to allow her to enjoy something that would normally terrify her—simply because he said it was OK.  Faith has incredible power.

Webster’s Third New International Dictionary defines faith as “Something that is believed or adhered to with strong conviction.”

Faith is more than intellectual assent. It’s a conviction so strong a person is willing to act based solely on the word of another.

Faith in God is faith that takes Him at His Word. It’s believing what He says is true and then acting on this belief—even when there’s no actual proof.

Consider the Israelites when they were being pursued by the Egyptians.  They were trapped against the shore of the Red Sea.  They were afraid and had doubts about their future.  But Moses spoke to them.  He KNEW the Lord would deliver them.  So they went on.  They didn’t give up.  They had faith.

The next time you’re at a lake or river, walk through it and don’t get wet.  Just head right out into the water and walk across the bottom and come out dry.  You can’t do it.  You KNOW you can’t do it.  Water doesn’t work that way.  The Israelites also KNEW water doesn’t work that way.  But in this one situation, they KNEW it would be different.  They took God at His Word and didn’t hesitate.  They had faith.

This is the kind of faith we should be teaching to our grandchildren. We should guide them to a knowledge of Scripture and then encourage them to take God at His Word. We should demonstrate that kind of faith in God in our own lives. And as part of the training, we should work to give them this kind of faith in us.

We should be so consistent with keeping our word to them that they can believe us, take us at our word and act on that belief—every time. When they learn they can have faith in our words, they will be more inclined to listen to what we have to say about God.

One summer morning, Scott received a phone call from the local high school. It was someone in the school office with the message his daughter, Carol, had cut summer school classes that day. Scott’s heart sank. This wasn’t the first time Carol had been in trouble at school, and recently, things seemed to be spiraling out of control.

Carol’s classes were at a school across town. There was nothing Scott could do until it was time to meet her bus in front of her own high school. He waited, wondering if she’d even be on the bus. She was. She walked to the car and hopped in and said, “Hi, dad” as if nothing was wrong. When Scott confronted her with cutting class, she denied it. She insisted that she’d gone to every class and hadn’t skipped anything. Based on her recent behavior, and the report from the school, Scott was skeptical. He pushed for the truth—where had she been and who was she with? But Carol continued to insist she had done no wrong. Oh, except that she was two minutes late getting back to one class because she’d met a friend in the hall.

Scott wasn’t sure how to handle the situation. Carol might be lying. He was pretty sure the school wasn’t. But then he remembered 1 Corinthians 13:7, “Love … believes all things.” He decided to trust Carol. It wasn’t easy to suppress his lingering doubts, but he told her he accepted her side of the story.

The next morning he called the teacher of the class Carol had supposedly missed to find out what had happened. The teacher explained how, in summer school, a tardy is marked down as half an absence—two days of late arrival count as a missed day of class. This was Carol’s first offense, but somehow the school office had gotten things messed up and made the call to Scott.

Scott was happy that he’d trusted Carol (although he did let her know the consequences of a second late arrival at class). It helped to restore a foundation of trust between him and his daughter which had been eroding in recent months.

This occurrence didn’t involve any grandparents, but it does point out an important truth. Our love for our kids and grandkids should mirror God’s love for us. We fail, and there are consequences, but those failures never influence the way God loves us. He treats us with a grace we don’t deserve, whether our walk with Him has been consistent, or we’ve failed Him miserably and repeatedly. Every morning, every moment, He offers His love, comfort, peace, grace and joy.  He “believes all things,” which means that He believes we can allow the Holy Spirit to work in us at any and every moment. He forgets the past and encourages us regarding the future.

That same principle should apply when we make the intentional decision to trust our kids and grandkids. Press forward. Aim toward the next goal. Don’t look back to past failures. Treat them with the same love and grace that Jesus Christ shows us every single day.

Before they had children, Nick and Marcy determined to be intentional about raising their children with biblical values. They made spiritual discussions part of everyday conversations. They had family devotions and prayer time. They were at church every Sunday and for every weeknight program. Both their kids trusted Jesus Christ when young. After Katelyn graduated from high school, she chose a Christian college.

But that only lasted a year. Now Katelyn was home, living in her old room, working part time and regularly hanging out with Sean, who wasn’t saved. Her parents tried to remind her how she’d been raised and what Scripture had to say. Marcy could get her to open up a little, but it wasn’t long before they’d disagree and begin arguing. Nick shifted between being hurt and being angry. There were several screaming matches and slammed doors. He contemplated a showdown, demanding she obey or get out.

Nick and Marcy were too close to the situation to find a calm solution on their own. They saw Katelyn’s choices as a reflection on their parenting.

Nick’s mom Judy was a widow. She lived in a retirement community. She didn’t get out much, but Nick and Marcy went to see her regularly. On one visit, they talked with her about Katelyn, sharing their disappointment and concerns. Judy listened and commiserated with them about the situation. This was her granddaughter. She loved Katelyn although she didn’t hear from her much anymore. At one time they were very close. Katelyn would visit Judy during the summer and spend a couple weeks, just the two of them together, cooking or working in the garden.

Now Judy listened as Nick formulated his plan to confront Katelyn. And then she offered a piece of sound advice. “Don’t give her an ultimatum,” she said. “If you force her to make a choice, she may make the very choice you’re trying to prevent. If you drive her out of your home, you’ll probably drive her to move in with Sean. She’s 20. You can’t keep her from going that route if she decides to. She knows right from wrong. You two raised her right. Love her, pray for her, provide a haven for her. Don’t drive her away.”

Nick and Marcy talked it over as they drove home. It wasn’t an easy decision for them to make. But Judy’s advice made sense.

During the following weeks, they changed their tactics. They asked Katelyn about her life, but they resisted the urge to lecture. They showed their love every chance they had. And on a couple occasions when Katelyn seemed to be leading the conversation in that direction, they calmly told her of their concerns about her choices. They issued no ultimatums.

A month or so later, Katelyn informed them that she had broken up with Sean. She said she knew it was wrong to be dating him. He had started talking about a more serious relationship and that forced her to stop and think. It was obvious that the Holy Spirit never stopped working in her life.

Judy felt disconnected from her granddaughter. But her advice, filled with grace and love, was just what the situation needed. She had saved a family from heartache and kept a young woman from making a decision that would have altered her life. Years later, when Katelyn heard the whole story from her dad, she was very thankful for her grandmother’s wisdom.

The Lord deals with us with grace and love. When we get off the right course, He is patient. He never misses an opportunity to remind us where we ought to be. And when we realize where we’re headed and turn to Him, He is always willing to welcome us back with open arms.

As we think about how the Lord has been patient with us through our rebellions and poor choices, we should use it as a model for how we respond to our children and grandchildren.

• Your 6-year-old grandson has no interest in sports. Turn to page 13 to find out why.
• Your 16-year-old granddaughter isn’t talking to you. Turn to page 34 to find out why.

A few people have written instruction manuals like this, but many parents and grandparents have found them lacking. No two kids are the same or deal with the same circumstances, so no two kids will respond the same way, no matter what method we use. And even if we did everything right (which we don’t), kids have free will and often choose the wrong path.

So what are we to do? The Lord offers us help in the Bible. No, He hasn’t given us a step-by-step instruction manual, but He’s given us something even better — His perfect example to follow. How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! (1 John 3:1).

So, if God is our Father (and He is, once we’ve trusted Jesus Christ as Savior), and if God is love (and He is), it makes sense to look at God’s love to find out how to be loving leaders of our children and grandchildren.

God has given us a list of exactly what love looks like in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. It’s a lot to digest all at once. There are probably a few things on the list which will really grab you and make you realize you have room to improve. As the first point states, our heavenly Father is patient. He doesn’t expect us to be fault free or to become exemplary parents or grandparents overnight, but He does expect us to be disciplined to grow in what we know.

Pick one attribute of love from the list and concentrate on it for as long as it takes to become a habit. Then pick a second attribute. It won’t be long before you find yourself living in God’s strength most of the time.

We can’t be perfect, but by seeking to reflect God’s love into our grandkids’ lives, we can be good parents and grandparents. And we can point our grandchildren to their perfect Heavenly Father.