My 14-year-old granddaughter thinks she is bisexual. How can I help?

Response:

We have seen a significant increase in the number of adolescents, teens, and young adults identifying somewhere in the LGBTQ+ categories, and that appears to be mostly due to a social contagion. In other words, kids are being told to question their sexual identity and pick whichever label fits them best.

As a result, there is a lot of confusion about sexual identity and many lonely kids looking for a place where they feel accepted and not judged.

Last year, the LC Blog team wrote about this trend and provided some suggestions on how grandparents can be helpful. Please take a look at these articles. I think you will find some helpful information there.

• How Grandparents Can Respond to LGBT Issues Part 1: Being Informed
• How Grandparents Can Respond to LGBT Issues Part 2: Ways to Help

How can I help my grandchildren who are wandering away from the faith?

Response:

As a grandparent, I can understand why this situation is concerning to you. So many parents and grandparents are reporting the same concerns about their children and grandchildren.

First, let me say that it is normal for adolescents, teens, and young adults to question their faith at some point. This is all part of growing up and trying to establish some independence apart from parents. It is actually healthy for kids to consider whether their faith is their own, an extension of their parents’ faith, or a result of being part of a Christian culture.

As we know, faith requires a transformation of the heart, and that cannot be accomplished simply by copying the behavior of others. Being part of a church, Christian activities, and serving the Lord are very important to the development of faith in God. However, in the end, a person needs to make a choice to put his or her heart, mind, and soul in God’s loving hands in order to walk by faith.

As the former director of a college counseling center, I talked with many students who were questioning their faith. Those who had a firm foundation in the Bible, exposure to people who walked by faith, experiences serving the Lord, and an understanding of grace and truth as well as the Truth, would wander for a while and then return to their faith with more conviction and devotion than previously.

So, it is possible that your grandchildren are in a place of questioning and wandering a bit, which is not a bad thing.

I encourage you to pray that God will put mature Christians in their lives. You can also be intentional about discipling them through prayer and talking with them about how your faith affects your life and why you depend on God. Expose them to Christian authors and media unless they or their parents ask you not to.

On more than one occasion, a grandparent has been named as the person who brought a wandering soul back to his or her faith.

At what age do you begin to work with children regarding lying? What is an appropriate response from a parent or grandparent?

Response:

First, it’s important to understand that young children, typically up to the age of about 7, are very imaginative, and they often make up stories and get caught up in fantasies as they interact with the world around them. In these cases, they are not intending to deceive anyone. Rather, they may find that telling stories brings them a lot of attention and they like that.

Lying requires a child to decide to say something that isn’t true to avoid punishment or get something that he or she wants. Therefore, age is not as important as knowing whether the child intends to be deceptive or not.

Parents and grandparents need to talk with children about the importance of being honest so people in their lives can learn to trust them. The adults should state their expectations for honesty in simple, age-appropriate language and talk about the consequences of lying. They can explain that we all must follow some guidelines, or rules, in life in order to be safe and healthy. One of those rules is being honest and if it is broken, a good consequence would be the removal of a privilege that is important to the child.

You can relate the consequence to the offense by saying something like, “I trusted you, so you were given some privileges because of my trust in you. Now that you have broken that trust, you will need to give up some of the privileges that came with my trust in you and earn that trust back.”

On the other hand, if children are consistently honest, they should gain more privileges to reward them for good behavior. Also, so children won’t lie to avoid punishment, it’s helpful to let them know that if they make a mistake and tell the truth, there may still be a consequence for the mistake, but it will not be as harsh as if they lie to avoid the consequence.

My 7-year-old autistic grandson wanted to know if his mom could bring back his great-grandmother from Heaven. How should I respond?

He doesn’t want to go to Heaven because then he would not be able to see his family, and his family would not be able to see him. I’m not sure how to answer his questions. I have researched books and articles, but they just don’t seem to have the answer for kids.

Response:

Kids have so many questions that are hard to answer, don’t they?

First of all, I want to say that your grandson’s question is very typical of a 7-year-old and there is nothing about it that indicates that he has autism. How you respond to him, however, needs to take his autism diagnosis into consideration.

Children at the age of 7 are still thinking in very concrete ways, so answers that require a more abstract reply are very difficult for most of them to understand. Therefore, we need to recognize that often they need validation and comfort more than answers and that their harder questions are likely to be answered as they grow and mature.

Children of all ages and adults with autism also often have great difficulty understanding abstract concepts, so you will need to respond to your grandson using concrete language that he can understand, now and throughout his life, if this is one way that autism shows itself in him.

So, taking all of this information into consideration, here is what I suggest.

First, tell him that you are happy to hear that he would like to have his great-grandmother come back from Heaven. Ask him what he remembers about her and what he likes about her. If you say something like, “You must love her very much”, that might be too abstract of a concept for him. Then tell him that it makes you happy to hear that he wants to be able to see his family and for his family to see him. Assure him that you are happy to see him and spend time with him as well.

Thank him for his question and tell him you do not have an answer to his question, but you will ask God the question. Tell him that you ask God many questions when you pray. (I assume you do, as most of us do) Then pray for wisdom and that God would give you the ability to answer this and other questions in ways that he can understand.

Validating his feelings and giving him your concrete solution for his question (prayer and asking God) may be all he needs for now. However, if he continues to ask the question, tell him you are waiting for an answer. Depending on how he develops, you may be able to have a fuller discussion about this question in the future.

Remember that as adults, we often go too far trying to answer questions when children just need simple answers.

Can you give me some ideas to overcome problems encountered in our last babysitting? We watched our 3 grandkids in their home for 4 days. We had a plan with activities, etc. It was a wreck though. Fighting, hitting, and throwing things were their defaults. Other than prayer, any ideas? I do it alone again in 3 weeks.

Response:

This sounds like a really uncomfortable situation. I can understand why you would be concerned about caring for them alone.

Your best course of action would be to talk with their parent(s) now and discuss the concerns that came up when you were with your grandchildren previously. They need to establish some guidelines for appropriate behavior, rewards for good behavior, and consequences for poor behavior.

You along with the parent(s) want to give them an incentive to behave well. Rewards are best if they do not cost money or are given as gifts. Rather, time spent doing something fun together or increased privileges related to something they already do are the best rewards.

For example, if their bedtime is usually 8 PM, perhaps they can stay up until 9 PM or 10 PM on the weekend nights following your stay. You can explain that their time has been extended because they used their time well while with you.

If possible, it would be best if you and the parents could communicate those expectations, rewards, and consequences to the grandchildren together so they know that you are both in agreement. Let them know that you will be reporting their behavior to their parents when they return and that you hope and expect to give them a great report. It should be communicated in a kind, but firm way, being careful not to sound threatening.

Once the plan is in place, you should reiterate it when you begin to care for the kids and then be sure to follow through on the plan consistently.

Best wishes for a more pleasant visit next time!

A year ago, I was asked by my son and his wife to return to my former position as a teacher in our church’s preschool ministry.

It’s a little complicated because at birth she tested positive for a lifelong metabolic disorder. Fortunately, she seems to have a mild case of this and hasn’t had any problems so far.

As we approach Move Up Sunday, should I stay with her another year or let her go on her own to help her stretch and get more involved with others?

Response:

How blessed your granddaughter is to have you in her life! Children with special needs often require accommodations that might not be provided for typically developing children.

You mentioned that she is doing fine so far, but it is wise to keep her diagnosis in mind since she is still so young. You may begin to see some effects of the metabolic disorder as she grows.

I would suggest that you stay with her now and that you and other adults involved in her education begin to prepare her to move to the next class just as soon as she has settled into the new year.

Transitions are hard for all kids and even harder for kids who have conditions that may affect their ability to cope with transitions. Therefore, they need the adults in their lives to help them prepare, slowly and methodically, for each new transition. As she progresses through this year, you can remind her that she will be moving ahead on her own next year. Help her get connected with children and other teachers that she will be involved with in the next class.

Her mother could plan play dates with those children throughout the year. She could also take a transitional object, such as a favorite stuffed animal, that travels with her from the old class to the new class to ease her comfort in the transition. She could also have a plan for briefly touching base with you in the morning as she arrives for her new class. Talk with the staff as they will likely have other ideas for helping with the transition.

Remember too, that if for some reason, symptoms begin to develop and it does not appear that she will be able to tolerate moving to the next class without you, her mother and the staff may decide to have you move with her again. You have time to figure that out.

Enjoy every moment with your precious granddaughter!

What can I do since one of my daughters will no longer allow me to see my grandchildren?

Response:

I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing this loss in your life. We usually have no way of knowing why a child chooses to not allow his or her parents to see grandchildren. It is often devastating for grandchildren and for their grandparents.

If one of your other children has a good relationship with their sister and your grandchildren, maybe they would be willing to encourage her to allow your grandchildren to spend some time with you.

While you are not able to see them, I encourage you to pray for other Christian adults to be available to disciple and mentor your grandchildren. Pray also that God would soften your daughter’s heart so she will allow her children to connect with you.

Finally, during that time, you can write letters and put together photo albums or other items for your grandchildren to tell them how much you love them, even though you won’t be able to send them at this time. Often, as grandchildren grow older and reach the age of young adulthood, they will make the decision to re-engage with their grandparents. If that occurs for you in the future, you can then present your grandchildren with the letters and items you put together while you were not together.

What should I do when my grown grandchildren bring friends to see them and it creates a wedge between us? When the friends are present, my grandchildren make smart-alecky remarks, but they will act normal again when the friends leave.

Response:

This sounds like a frustrating situation.

If your grandchildren are still young adults, you might want to consult with their parents to hear their suggestions for how to approach your grandchildren.

If they are even older, I encourage you to talk with your grandchildren directly about your concerns involving their friends and also request that you spend time alone with your grandchildren, without their friends present.

You can let them know that you value your time with them so much that you would like to have their undivided attention.

We have almost 12-year-old identical twin granddaughters. As they are getting older, their personality differences are becoming more noticeable. One is more outgoing and quicker in picking up new concepts in school and things like art projects. The other one is quieter and more analytical.

Any ideas on how we can help them become their own individual selves and not compare themselves with one another or think that they have to always be the same in everything?

Response:

It’s so great that you are sensitive to the differences between your two granddaughters.

We live in a performance-based society, so kids who are more outgoing and can show things they have created tend to get more attention than those who are quieter and more reserved. As we know, however, the quieter children are no less valuable.

God has given each of us gifts and many are not gifts that are so easy to see. So, as parents and grandparents, it is important to look for the strengths of each child and point them out. Praise them for their individual accomplishments and provide opportunities for them to show their strengths.

For example, if your quieter granddaughter likes to read, ask her about what she is reading and encourage her to keep reading as it is a skill that is needed in all subjects in school. If her analytical skills help her to make quick mathematical calculations, ask her for help when you are trying to figure out the price of an item or making change. Then thank her for her help. Her analytical skills may also help her to come up with good solutions to problems. If so, praise her for having good problem-solving skills.

When I worked in education with children K-12 and with college students, I often found that the outgoing children were picked for leadership roles over those who were quieter. However, I learned that this was a mistake because there were often excellent leaders among those quieter students. Her parents, and you, may need to provide more encouragement for her to pursue active roles in things she is really interested in.

If all of the adults in your granddaughters’ lives are intentional about acknowledging their unique strengths, they will likely learn to value those strengths in one another.

I am working on updating a trust to include my three adult children and my adult grandchildren. However, my son and his wife do not have any children.

I’m struggling with including the grandchildren in my trust without upsetting the childless couple. Any suggestions?

Response:

I appreciate your sensitivity to your son and his wife. I encourage you to consult with an attorney or other professional that writes wills and trusts.

You might find this episode of Grand Monday Nights with Russ Crosson helpful: Sticky/Money/Legacy Situations – Questions Grandparents Want to Ask.

My comments will be limited to how to handle this decision in a way that is likely to be fair to everyone. First, I encourage you to discuss your concerns with your son and his wife. They may tell you that they respect your right to include whomever you want in your trust and find that this is more of an issue for you than for them.

Having worked with many families coping with the emotional issues related to wills and trusts, I have also known many to decide on a percentage to allocate for children vs. grandchildren. For example, 70% is divided between children and 30% is divided between grandchildren, or a specific amount goes to each child and a specific amount goes to each grandchild.

Obviously, I cannot advise you about what to do, but you might consider what I said and then talk with an attorney about these and other options that might be available to you.

Most importantly, I think it is important for you to take some time to hear from your son and his wife so you understand their perspective when making your final decision.