“No, You May Not Babysit Your Grandchild”

Due to the overwhelming response to this question, Dr. Joannie would like to add some additional thoughts:

Grandmothers and mothers, would you be surprised to know that this question has gotten the most responses of any other Ask Dr. Joannie question? Honestly, I have been taken aback by the many comments. Although I wrote the response in March of 2022, new replies show up nearly every week, sometimes from grandmothers and sometimes from mothers. I do not forward many of the responses for final approval for posting for two reasons:
1. What is said in the response is a duplication of what has been said in another post, sometimes many other posts
2. The language in the response is accusatory, mean spirited and sometimes extremely inappropriate, typically just “venting” as opposed to asking for help or proposing any solutions. These responses do not communicate any humility on the part of the grandmother or mother.

Let me address the second reason for not posting a response.

I am deeply saddened to hear the way that some grandmothers talk about their daughters and daughters-in-law and the way that some mothers talk about their mothers and mothers-in-law. It grieves my heart to hear of so much conflict between family members who should be supporting one another and this is not how we are called to love one another as Christians. Keep in mind that I am no stranger to family conflict as I have worked with many families in the midst of significant crises such as addictions, domestic violence, suicide and homicide. So, I completely understand that we sometimes hurt our family members much more than others. In my own life, I had a difficult relationship with my mother-in-law because she was Italian and was very upset that her son did not marry an Italian woman. She completely rejected me for that reason only, and also rejected her daughter’s husband because he also was not Italian. Because of this, we did not have much of a relationship. While she was openly hostile toward me, I chose not to reciprocate that hostility and instead, to be civil toward her but also to set boundaries that kept me and my children from being harmed by her resentment. We did not live near her so there was not an opportunity for her to babysit my children regularly. However, when we did visit, my husband and I would allow her and my father-in-law to babysit occasionally while we were nearby. This allowed my children to have some time with their grandparents, for my in-laws to make some memories with my children and for my husband and I to make sure our children were being well cared for.

I’d like to encourage grandmothers and mothers to think about some things when struggling with this issue.

Grandmothers, please remember that your daughters, sons, daughters-in-law and sons-in-law are the primary parents of your grandchildren and as such, they have a right to decide who will watch their children and when. They are also parenting your grandchildren in the here and now and while you may have many years of parenting several children, some professional experience teaching or caring for children and a lifetime of wisdom to share, many things have changed in the world since your children were the age of your grandchildren. Therefore, your children may have some very good reasons for doing things differently than the way you did various things as a parent. Also, several mothers have talked about not allowing their mothers or mothers-in-law to babysit because of the poor health of the grandmother or grandfather or because of some bad habits- such as drinking and chain smoking- that could be potentially harmful to grandchildren. This is a valid point as mothers and fathers always want to know that their children are in the hands of a healthy person who is not likely to have a medical concern while babysitting, or participate in a bad habit that could harm grandchildren. If this describes you, you might want to see if a supportive friend can be with you while you babysit. I did this for a friend who was suffering from a terminal illness. She had become very weak and often would lose control of her hands without much warning. Therefore, her daughter had legitimate concerns about her accidentally dropping her infant son. Since my friend’s days were numbered, she wanted to spend as much time with her grandchildren as possible. They adored her and I think the time she spent with them before she died helped them in the grieving process after she passed away. So, I was with her a few times when she babysat so she could continue to have a relationship with her grandson and his siblings and cousins and I could make sure the baby wasn’t dropped and other children did not experience any harm related to her muscle weakness. Of course if the issue is heavy drinking or chain smoking, both present significant concerns for grandchildrens’ health that may justify not allowing a grandparent or grandparents to babysit. Finally, if some of you communicate directly with your children the way you have communicated in your responses to this question- via namecalling, using accusatory language and coming across as entitled and demanding- I can understand why your children might not want to communicate with you about babysitting their children. Try communicating with kindness and civility and asking questions instead of making demands. Take the time to build trust with the mothers and fathers of your grandchildren so they will want you to be a part of your grandchildrens’ lives. If you believe that you have done these things and have still faced barriers to babysitting, express your sincere sadness about that and ask if you can begin the process of building a more trusting relationship with your daughters and sons and their spouses. If you do that and still face barriers, you might want to share the next part of my response here with them.

Mothers, those responses from you that I have considered to be inappropriate for posting have communicated an entitled and dismissive attitude toward your parents or in-laws. Some have communicated a complete lack of understanding of how important grandparents can be in a child’s life. Most of us need a lot of support when raising our children and in most cases, family members are in a better position to care for their younger family members than friends or strangers. Unless you have family members who are truly dangerous or for whatever reason, you are unable to continue to have a relationship with them, your family members are very likely to be in your life, and your childrens’ lives, longer than many of your friends. However, if, as is communicated often in these responses, the grandmother simply has different opinions about a lot of things and you just don’t want to listen, I think that is unfair and that you may be keeping your children from experiencing another trusting relationship in their lives. I encourage you to take the time to hear a grandmother’s different opinions, consider them, be willing to change your opinion if hers makes more sense and also be willing to respectfully disagree with her. You ARE the primary parent so you have the final say but I encourage you to decide what is non-negotiable and what is negotiable. If you think that everything is non-negotiable, you might want to rethink that perspective. The idea here is to allow for an open dialogue between a mother and her mother or mother-in-law that contributes to the two understanding one another better. Moms, you will need extra support with your children throughout their lives and understand that if you cut ties with your mother or mother-in-law because of differences over how to raise your infant, you might not have some really helpful support when you are dealing with a whining toddler, an overly dramatic preteen or a rebellious teenager.

For both grandmothers and mothers, there is a need for humility. Grandmothers, start by putting the expressed needs of your daughters and daughters-in-law before your needs as you think about what is best for your grandchild or grandchildren. Mothers, consider your mothers or mother-in-law’s needs before you own as you strive to provide a good, healthy life for your child or children. Try to use Christ-like dialogue in your conversations with one another. If you can come together as two people who desire to nurture the next generation well, you and your children and grandchildren will be better off.