Question:
Our son and daughter-in-law have not allowed us to be alone with our grandchildren. How should we respond?
Response:
This must be really frustrating for you and your wife. I encourage you, however, not to make assumptions about their motives.
While I don’t know your son and daughter-in-law and what might be the reason for their restrictions on you and your wife, I can tell you that this is usually due to the fact that younger adults have grown up in a culture that has given them many reasons to be afraid of the world as well as suspicious of others, including their parents.
Most of their fear is related to the 24-hour news cycle and social media platforms that provide frequent stories and graphic images of accidents, injuries, and child abductions (often by family members).
As I have talked with many young parents about their concerns about parenting, they have often reported a lot of anxiety, talked about how unsafe the world is, and complained about how hard it is to trust even the closest family members.
So, it may be that the restrictions on alone time for you and your wife have nothing to do with anything you have done or not done.
I encourage you to gently inquire about why your son and daughter-in-law will not allow you to be alone with their children. If they are able to articulate their concerns, ask them if they would be willing to show you what you need to do in order for them to feel comfortable leaving them alone with you. Or, suggest a scenario that allows you to be alone with one or two of your grandchildren while they are nearby.
Would they be willing, for example, to allow you to be alone with the grandchildren when you are all eating at the same restaurant but at different tables in different parts of the restaurant? Sometimes, when parents have the opportunity to observe their parents with their children, their concerns melt away.
If they are still resistant, you will need to respect their wishes, but by all means, continue to engage with your grandchildren as much as possible, knowing that eventually, all of them will be old enough to make their own decisions to be alone with you or not.
While this situation does not allow you to experience relationships with your grandchildren in the way that you and your wife had hoped for, I don’t see it as something that is necessarily damaging to those relationships.
Many grandparents who have lived far apart from their grandchildren have been able to build strong relationships with them. Since you are able to be with your grandchildren in person, make the most of those times.
Focus on the grandchild in front of you rather than the parent that is also present.
