Question:
While our children and their families were visiting us during the holidays, we witnessed first-hand how disrespectful and misbehaved our grandchildren were towards their parents and the chaos their misbehavior caused. It was VERY distressing!
Could you give us suggestions on how we might address this with our children and their spouses?
Response:
I suggest that you ask the parents some questions.
1. Was their behavior typical of how they behave at home?
Remember that young children often exhibit behavior away from home that is very different from the behavior that is seen at home. This may occur because they are unfamiliar with the new environment, may be confused and frightened, or may be overstimulated. This is especially true during the holidays because there is so much going on and there are many new things to see, taste, hear, smell, and touch.
If the response is that the behavior was unusual for them, you can then talk about what you and your daughter and son-in-law can do in the future to prevent the same behavior. That may include making sure your granddaughters stick to a normal routine at your house, being careful not to overstimulate them, and talking with them about expectations for their behavior before they visit.
It is especially helpful to collaborate with your children because it is also possible that they witnessed the behavior and were troubled by it but did not want to discipline their children in front of you.
2. If they do behave this way at home, do the parents have concerns about the behavior, and if so, how do they handle it?
If they have concerns, you could empathize and then gently offer to share some suggestions for improvement by saying something such as, “I remember how hard it was to have little ones and that life often felt a bit chaotic. Would it be helpful to you for me to share some ways to manage their behavior with you?”
If they don’t seem to be concerned, talk about how you were affected by witnessing their behavior by saying something such as, “It was hard for me to see how disrespectful they were to the two of you.”
3. Are you open to me sharing some good resources with you?
If they are, recommend “7 Traits of Effective Parenting” by Dr. Danny Huerta and “Positive Discipline” by Jane Nelson. You can also recommend helpful resources from loveandlogic.com as well as articles from focusonthefamily.com.
